Forgiveness questions
What does the gospel show us when the person who has sinned against us doesn’t acknowledge the hurt they have caused us? What if that person is no longer around for us to even confront them in their sin against us? What if we have been the victim and someone else has got away with something with little hope of justice or reconciliation? Does this mean I am still called upon to forgive? Do I have to become a ‘doormat for Jesus’ and just cop it? How can I deal with ongoing residual anger and pain?
Well it’s not as if the Bible is silent in these areas indeed the gospel touches directly upon all these areas.
The need to point out someone’s sin against you.
Where possible someone’s sin against you should be pointed out in love with the desire to forgive and reconcile. Following the pattern in Matthew 18:15 this should be done not after you’ve had a big whinge about the person to everyone else, but to them. Perhaps one of the reasons some of us struggle to forgive someone their sin against us is because we’ve never actually articulated how they have wronged you. It is just hard to absorb pain and sin, and much easier if the person acknowledges their guilt and changes their ways.
It's not always that easy
However sometimes it’s far harder because they don’t repent or even see they’ve been at fault. Or, they continue to sin against you. What then?
So let’s take the hard example where someone divorces their Christian spouse. The Christian wants to stay married, but their spouse wants things to end. The hurt here is immense. Can someone come to the point of forgiving their ex-spouse this sin of walking out on a marriage? Well yes I believe they can and they should. This doesn’t mean hiding the truth of the hurt and pain it has caused, but it does mean the Christian will not slander nor fertilize revenge for what has happened. One is the fruit of bitterness, the other the fruit of forgiveness.
However, at the same time if the ex-spouse is being unreasonable and ruthless is seeking to take advantage from the new divorced situation, then applying for and seeking justice is entirely appropriate. Can forgiveness and justice be held together at the same time? Yes I believe so because that is actually what the gospel is all about.
But is there really forgiveness if there’s no repentance?
Well I suppose in a way at this point the person has scorned your desire for forgiveness and reconciliation. It is offered but it’s not enacted from their side so they will not benefit from it, but I think the willingness and desire to forgive needs to be there otherwise you’ll never be able to let go of the hurt.
Loving your enemies
This is an important and startling feature of God’s Word. A powerful enemy who continues to perpetrate evil against you is surely one of the gravest situations to be in. What does the Bible say in regards to this kind of situation. Well firstly the Bible seeks to comfort because God hears the voice of the oppressed. He is not far from those who suffer wrongs. Secondly those who oppress others arouse God’s anger. God is not passively sitting in the background, but his sovereign plans include justice being done. Both of these truths are great comforts to those sinned against. This means that God is always bigger than our enemies and they will not stop the progress of God’s good purposes. (Check out Psalm 10 & 73 to see something of this perspective)
The New Testament takes this even further in that we are told to love our enemies. To do good to those who hate us. Now this goes against every fibre of our being and yet God’s way will always bring blessing to the one who trusts in him so this will always be right for us. Check out Matthew 5:43-48 & Romans 12:14-21 where this is made explicit. What does loving your enemies mean? It means seeking their blessing, longing for them to know Christ and hoping they will turn from their sin. It seems in this situation seeking to forgive is a very powerful way of showing them the love of Christ they so desperately need.
But it’s not fair!
Yes I know it’s not. Which is why the only way we can ever actually do this is through recognition that we ourselves have been God’s enemies and yet in great mercy and kindness he has brought to forgiveness to us. And not just in saying the words, but in moving to action which involved the Cross of Christ. If I have truly seen the glory of Christ then I will know the weight and cost of his forgiveness to me. This will move me to want to reconcile (if possible), forgive and bless even those who have hurt me the most. Indeed the very occasion of my hurts draw me again to the very cross of my saviour who’s love for me frees me from the need for residual anger, the ongoing frustration that justice has not been done to me and the obsession to seek revenge. So the gospel, if understood rightly, makes it intolerable to harbour unforgiveness and to mutter curses against another. It leads you to do what might seem impossible, because you’ve been braced and thrilled by the impossible love and wonder of the cross.
Stepping out in forgiveness
If you are struggling with bitterness and hurt stemming from unforgiveness then I encourage you to really think through why. Have you approached the person with truth and love? Or is that even too hard? If so then you need to appreciate once again the depth of Christ’s love for you. Your bitterness and ongoing gripes will actually become a dangerous criticism and complaint against God, for in affect you are saying his ways are not to be trusted.
Perhaps it is not possible to speak to the person because they have died. If hatred or pain always wells up whenever you think of them you need to take this to the Lord and trust his abounding love and understanding. He is good and sovereign and the deeper reasons for holding onto hurt need to be addressed. The gospel has the power to do this because our very identity, joy, hope and purpose need no longer be captured by the oppression and sin of others, but by the grace of our saviour. The desire and the ability to forgive is not just a great blessing to the one who sinned, but also to the one sinned against. For at this point we are drawn ever closer to Christ whose love and mercy and forgiveness rules are hearts and conquers even our deepest hurts.
