Answers to your questions: 'One flesh' and marriage

If I have had sex with someone and therefore 'one flesh' with them,  does that mean I am obliged to get married to them? Has something permanent formed between two people in this situation that cannot be undone?

     There seems to have been a few question and some confusion over this one. I offer a few thoughts.

     1. Having sex with someone and therefore becoming 'one flesh' does not mean that you have entered into marriage with them. What Paul is arguing for in 1 Corinthians 6 is the inappropriateness of engaging in sex which is meant for marriage, when you're not married. He's not arguing that it is marriage, or that you need to get married if you have had sex with someone....wow, I can sense some more questions coming back at me on that one...

     2. Some of us feel the pain and grief of the mistakes of our past and need to be embraced by the full and transforming power of Christ's forgiveness. Does it mean that you can call yourself a virgin again? No it doesn't, but in God's eyes if you have received Christ as Lord you cannot be any cleaner or purer or distanced from those events in your past. Though some regret and shame may remain, it becomes all the more a testimony to God's grace and kindness to you.

    3. If you have been the victim of some abuse and have been sexually violated by someone else there is great pain and hurt which only Christ can ultimately deal with. He heals the broken hearted and comforts the abused. The gospel shows you how powerful and significant is the acceptance and plans of Christ who not only removes our own personal sin, but also deals with sin done to us. The gospel will protect us from feeling worthless and ashamed and will help us not to feed our bitterness and hatred of the perpetrator, and even of God himself. 

     I know these are very hard areas for some of us. But I know that God is the master of dealing with our sin ravaged world and making all things new. Please trust his Word and perhaps aim to talk to someone you can trust so as to further experience the newness of life he has called you to.

Answering your questions: Books and resources to recommend on sex and Christian living

A good number of people ordered the books that were recommended on Sunday night. For those of you who weren't there (or were too afraid to order them) I suggested the following.

Pure Sex by Philip Jenson and Tony Payne.

Short, easy to read and to the point. A great corrective to various myths about Christians and sex and will inform you how to deal with the different views of sex that our championed in our secular world.

What Some of You Were edited by  Christopher Keen

A sensitive and honest series of stories about Christians and homosexuality. Also has a helpful appendix dealing with biological questions and the issue of change. Again, it is short and won't cover everything, but what it does cover is done with great care and hope in God.

Porn-again Christian by Mark Driscoll (read it online)

The sub title says this is a frank discussion on pornography and masturbation...and yeah, it is.

Especially for guys it will probably bring up most of the questions you are too afraid to ask....and give great Biblical counsel and grace filled advice on these topics. I have been asked this week about the appropriateness and possibility of masturbation if you are not married, well that issue amongst a heap of others is discussed.

Other books I have not read, but which seek to address some of these issues especially for women are:

Restoring Sexual Identity, Hope for Women who struggle with Same Sex Attraction  by Anne Paulk.

Every Young woman's Battle - by Etheridge & Arterburn

Every Woman's battle - Etheridge

You can order these through Christian Bookworld in Belconnen.

Feel free to add other resources in your comments if you've found other stuff helpful and Biblical. 

Answers to your questions: How do I deal with my lust?

How do I deal with my lust?

Disclaimer: This is a really big area and I've tried to keep this one short and helpful. I hope it is both.

     1 Corinthians 6:18 urges is to flee sexual immorality. That is, get yourself away from the source or pattern of temptation that is leading you to long for and express such sin. Flee to prayer, flee to the support of your Christian brothers and sisters, flee from situations where you know you’ll be tempted and where you know you’ve failed before.
     However the Bible also suggests that we don’t just run away from our problems, but that we have our thinking and motives changed so we pursue the things of the kingdom. I can think of three key motivating truths that help us overcome and put to death sin in our lives. The New Testament rarely urges us to a change in behaviour and thinking without being powerfully grounded in at least one of these…
    1. Our thankfulness is view of the Cross. Growing in our understanding and appreciation of what Christ has done to sin in his death has a profound affect upon our behaviour. In view of his mercy, I actually begin to want to live in honour and service of him. This is such a watershed moment for anyone and at times even those whose life was engrossed in sin can’t wait to be rid of it…out of joyful thanks to the Lord. 

     In our struggles with sin, to a certain degree at least we have not comprehended enough the wonder of the Cross. The cross helps me to hate sin and long to be ruthless with it, but at the same time the cross protects me from self-hatred…because Christ loved me so much. Being overwhelmed with thanks is about the ultimate remedy for new life and freedom, even from habitual and resilient sin in your life.

     2. Our identity in Christ. This argument was employed by Paul in 1 Cor.5:6-8 where Paul reminds the Corinthians that Christ's sacrificial work changes completely our status and identity before God. To be ‘in Christ’ is to have a new heavenly destiny already secured. Even though Paul is seeking to correct terrible sin in Corinth, he appeals to who Christ has made them to be in order to motivate them to change. He does not appeal to the 10 Commandments to correct and rebuke them some new Christian morality list, he actually appeals to their unity with Christ who was sacrificed for them. 

     So he primarily inspires at this crucial point. He gives them a higher view of their value and significance and destiny. Our identity in Christ reminds us that in God’s eyes we are not locked in sin but belonging to Jesus for his service. When we realise more and more that our old identity was changed by one so awesome as Christ, our desire to ‘celebrate’ the reality of who we are in God begins to change and recalibrate our motives and desires.

     3. The hope of the future. The hope of heaven is perhaps the least appreciated of these three. The fact that heaven is our home and that joy and wonder everlasting is on offer; the fact that our Lord and saviour will celebrate his reign with us; the fact that sin and its effects will not be seen or experienced anymore is another powerful motivator for change. If God is moving history to a certain outcome, then there should be an excitement and longing for that outcome. Knowing my future and destiny inspires and motivates especially through trial and suffering and even great temptation. If you read passages like Romans 8 (especially after reading chapters 6-7) you see how glorious the future is and how God's Spirit draws us with great expectation to the time when God's plans are fully realised. 

     I should say also that to struggle and fight with sin is actually the normal Christian experience. None of us will reach perfection this side of heaven, but God has given us his Holy Spirit to keep fighting on (see Galatians 5:16-26). 

     Further as we read in 1 Cor.10:13 God remains faithful and does not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. He provides a way of escape for us, even as we are seriously considering sinning against him. How kind he is?! 

Answers to your questions: What is lust?

What is lust? Is it lustful only if you express it sexually?
The word lust is only used in the ESV translation 10 times (Psa. 68:30 ; Prov. 11:6 ; Is. 57:5 ; Jer. 2:24 ; Ezek. 16:36 ; Ezek. 23:8 ; Ezek. 23:11; Ezek. 23:17 ; 1Th. 4:5 ; 2Pet. 2:10) and is normally associated with the strong desire for sexual immorality. Indeed wayward desire is so often at the heart of our problems. 

Appropriate desire and the fulfilment of that desire is actually a wonderful thing. Desiring what benefits others and what promotes the cause of the gospel is actually a powerful work of the gospel in our lives. All of us naturally crave for and seek after the things we believe will bring us happiness, security and blessing. The strength of desire to secure these can lead us to terrible sin and violence against our neighbour. 

Lust is fundamentally self serving and ultimately idolatrous. The gospel reorientates our desires so we wish to please God and others. Indeed we actually want to be with God and be more like God the more we are shown how supreme Jesus is. So in changing what we live for, so will a change occur in what we long for and desire.

Finding someone very attractive is not lust. Nor even is finding yourself ‘aroused’. This is natural and if you never find yourself aroused (I speak especially, though not exclusively to the guys here), then maybe you need to go and see a doctor! 

Lust is desire which seeks to fantasise and act upon such attraction. It is to covet a person who is not yours in order to gratify yourself. Lust is always disappointing. It is desire seeking to find fulfilment in the wrong place and the instant gratification only adds to further frustration and ironically fuels more lust to compensate.